Two AM Musings by Mandy

There should be a big sign when exiting the womb that reads, "Life is NOT fair!" Even the nicest children get picked on, car accidents happen, babies are sick, people die too young, you may work really hard and still become unemployed, kids run away from home, and sometimes your brain doesn't work and you can be sad no matter how much you have to be happy about.

Of course, babies couldn't read the sign even if it was there... but I wish there were some sort of warning. I'm occasionally angry that I am not one of the most talented, brilliant people in the world. I'd like to have two healthy girls living with their daddy and mommy in our cute little house. I would like our cute little house not to be falling apart. It'd be nice if Den could find a really good job close to home where he would feel productive, creative, and happy. I would love for our parents never to grow old and for Kate to never have her feelings hurt. It would be nice if my old friend's step-daughter hadn't run away several weeks ago and still not come home. I wish every baby was born healthy and happy.


A few weeks ago, we lost two babies suddenly at work in a really short time period. It broke my heart. It brought back a lot of memories for me watching those families grieve for their little ones. I've been really angry and frustrated at our lack of ability in the medical field to figure out why this happens. I've been tired of feeling sick and tired. In short, discouraged would describe me.

Until tonight, when God put a little miracle in my path and reminded me that He is in control, and I don't have to understand why life isn't fair. I simply have to trust that He is there, and He will fix it. Why, oh why, can't I just remember this???

When Jordan was with us, it was so easy to pray. We were so helpless to heal her, and the only choice we had was to pour out our pain and our fears to God. It was like having an open phone line to heaven all of the time. I prayed when I ate, when I bathed, when I slept, and when I held that little angel. I felt so close to God. Even after she died, I felt that way. Then life happened, and I gradually forgot that feeling.

Then those little punkins died at work, and I prayed so hard that I had that same experience of constant prayer. It was wonderful, but I felt so let down after both of them went to heaven despite my begging.

Then tonight a mommy comes into triage, and we can't find heart tones, not on Doppler or on ultrasound. She's already had a baby die in the past... I was feeling like this just cannot happen to her again. Just in case there was any life left in that little one, we do a stat c-section, and this precious little girl comes out with a heart rate. Still not breathing, but she has a heart rate. They were intubating her when I walked out of the room to run down to the lab with her cord blood. I prayed and prayed, as I know most of us up there were doing tonight, and when I walked back upstairs and into the OR suite, that baby's cry tore out of the room like voices from heaven. I have no explaination but that God just fixed her!

I don't know why some prayers are answered the way we want them to be and others aren't. It's not fair, and I guess we'd be weird if we didn't get frustrated with that sometimes. But tonight I know a couple of things... God hears me and does what He knows is best, even if I don't always agree. I will keep trying every day to feel that constant prayer, and when I don't feel it, I will remember who hung up and pick up the phone again. I will be faithful about my work schedule, Den's job hunt, and my health. I won't be discouraged, because the God I serve is a miraculous God!

I'll get on here soon and tell you about our recent trips to the zoos in Seattle and the other stuff going on in life. I'll post some pictures too. Thanks for listening to me :)